Every time I try to confront you about not wanting to be a Nurse, why do you always have to blow up? Why do you always say that “YOUR AMBITIONS for me are ruined” just because I don’t want to live a life YOU want for me. What about MY DREAMS? Don’t they matter? Why am I automatically a disappointment just because I WANT TO FIGURE MYSELF OUT? Why do you have to tell me that “NO ONE FIGURES OUT THEMSELVES?” I think that’s absolute bullshit! I don’t want to be like you. If YOU love the idea of NURSING and a PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY, then why don’t YOU go? YOU are FORCING me just as YOUR father forced you. I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE A LIFE WITH SO MUCH REGRETS. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE A LIFE IN SILENT DESPERATION. How can you say that not becoming a nurse or going to a university IS AN INSULT TO YOU? Isn’t it an INSULT TO ME that you’re forcing me a life I don’t want?
Why does my income have to reflect on who I am as a person? What’s the use of making a lot of money if you’re hating the life you’re in? I want to be happy, that’s what I truly want.
You tell me ALL the time that I’M FREE TO CHOOSE WHAT I WANT TO DO, and when I confront you, you tell me that I’m the biggest disappointment? What am I supposed to think? You made me believe that you’d support the decisions I’d make, but WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? Is this what YOU call support?
Why do YOU have to play the GUILT CARD on me? Of course I WANT TO MAKE YOU PROUD! What kid doesn’t want a parent to be proud of them? Why do I have to be someone you want me to be in order for YOU TO BE PROUD OF ME? Why do you keep telling me that “GOD HATES YOU ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU KIDS LIKE MY SISTER AND I? THAT GOD HATES YOU BECAUSE HE GAVE YOU THE LIFE YOU HAVE NOW?”
How is that supposed to make me feel? AM I THAT HORRIBLE FOR NOT WANTING TO BE A NURSE that you HATE YOUR LIFE? Am I supposed to just CONFORM to your AMBITIONS FOR ME just TO MAKE YOU PROUD OF ME?
Why? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM AS A PERSON. YOU ALWAYS PAINT ME AS THIS “PERFECT” DAUGHTER BECAUSE I WAS, FOR A SECOND, CONSIDERING TO BECOME A NURSE. WHO AM I? I don’t even know WHAT LIFE WANTS FROM ME.
MY passion is blurred by YOUR AMBITIONS. I’m in a constant battle with myself because I look at others and see right away what I’m lacking - PASSION.
I’m SCARED, okay? I’m scared that I’d never find my passion. And WHEN I DO FIND MY PASSION, I’M SCARED THAT I WON’T HAVE THE COURAGE TO PURSUE IT. I’M SCARED THAT ONE DAY, I’LL FOLLOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE, AND WILL ALWAYS LIVE IN AN EMPTY, BOTTOMLESS VOID, WHERE I’M FILLED WITH REGRETS.
I know I come off as an over reacting person, but I’VE BEEN BOTTLING THIS UP FOR A WHILE NOW. Every single day, I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP. I CRY BECAUSE EACH TIME I TALK TO YOU, A PART OF MY TRUE SELF DIES. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I’VE NEVER GOTTEN TO KNOW WHO MY TRUE SELF WAS. SHE DIED AND I’VE NEVER GOTTEN A CHANCE TO EVEN LET HER LIVE. I guess I’ve finally exploded. I couldn’t keep it in anymore when I see people, Left and Right, doing what THEY LOVE. I couldn’t keep it in, I really couldn’t.
You know what hurts the most? You won’t even to listen to my side. You won’t give me the time of day. You don’t know that I hate my life. You don’t know that I HATE THE LIFE YOU WANT FROM ME, and I’m not even living it yet. You only know me as the Daughter I let you see. The Daughter who is perfect, who has high ambitions of going into a prestigious university. And IT’S MY FAULT. All this time, I’ve only let you seen my UNAUTHENTIC self. And When I finally show you THE REAL ME - The Daughter with doubts. The daughter who doesn’t want to be your puppet - You think I’m a disappointment.
Right now, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m stuck. I feel alone and terrified. I feel robbed. I feel unhappy. I feel dread. But most of all, I feel a great loss..